Same score as ever (dun da dun da dun da dun etc), but to celebrate a decade of Apprenticing, this year there are twenty 'whole' contestants to whittle down over the course of twelve weeks. Lord Sugar tells us he will dispose of the bodies candidates according to his bloody whim, meaning we can expect a Hunger Games Cornucopia-style mass slaughter at ANY MOMENT. Excellent! This year, the tasks are all inspired by the 'business challenges' previous Apprentii were asked to carry out over the past decade - once again unaided by modern gizmos like 'the internet' or 'the tube'. Let's hope we see the return of such classics as 'unscrewing a pole placed in the crotch area on QVC' or 'attempting to have an Imam bless a kosher chicken'.
Let's go team!
You're fired: Chiles. Because his name is CHILES. Actually, Chiles' real error was the tried and tested 'waste time driving across London to sell cheap product X (potatoes), whilst ignoring the more profitable local sale of product Y' (a load of printed T-shirts they’d already invested in 'personalising' which were simply left to fester at the printers).
BREAKING NEWS: My colleague Sally has informed me that this not Chiles’ first attempt at using TV to better his life – he also recently found love on Take Me Out by demonstrating his karate skills on a watermelon.
Oh so lucky escape: Sarah Dales, the girls' Project Manager. She was WOEFULLY bad - and I say that in the context of ten years' worth of Apprentice failures.
Sarah's highlights #1: Firstly, Sarah demanded her all-female team wear heels and short skirts to bamboozle punters into mass-buying vegetables. Hooray for feminism! ("I really feel we should think about sales strategy, Sarah". "Yeah but has everyone brought nice make-up?")
Sarah's highlights #2: Then she was obsessed with chopping up lemons because she believed they could mark up the price by selling individual fruit pieces. (Mmmm, a manky old lemon slice. Do you have a bag for me to take it home for my G&T tomorrow?)
Sarah's highlights #3: She refused to do any actual labour and just clip-clopped around, tossing her extensions "because I'm PM. I'm the PM. I'm being PM", but still claimed all the sales "because I'm PM. I'm the PM. I'm being PM".
Sarah's highlights #4: Finally, she attempted to pitch one small washing up tub's worth of backstreet cleaning products to London Zoo for £250. Yes, that's two bottles of bleach, a sponge and a pair of non-brand marigolds for £250. !!!!!! Though she did concede that it might not be ideal for chucking into the penguin pond.
Frankly, it’s shocking that a "former PA and hypnotherapist" would make such bizarre and irrational business choices, right?
The team names: Decadence and Summit. Nope, I'm not quoting a suggested party theme on Towie - those were the *actual* team names. (Honestly, this stuff writes itself.)
Worst board room defence: Wearing sockless cream moccasins and drawling "I wanted to add as much value to the sausages as possible" (yes, you, giant Robert). There’s nothing Lordsiralun or Shoreditch love more than an organic cheese slice and some free-range avocado.
The (other) one to watch: Steven. When the boys launched a ridiculous, targeted assault on Steven in the board room he immediately gave it RIGHT BACK with increasingly high-pitched, preposterously OTT sass. He’s a finger-click and head-swish away from a firing, but he’ll be TV gold in the interim.
Next time: Tonight, they invent 'wearable technology'. I cannot even...
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