2015 - Week 1

You're Fired: Bumbling Dan, who liked to "sort of throw thoughts into the Thoughts Pond". (Thoughts like "let's call ourselves the Sugar Babes, *embarrassed guffaw*".) Dan was bad at food prep and bad at selling, but, most problematically, he was bad at viciously slating his opponents in the boardroom. "Who should go, Dan?" "I dunno, Lord Sugar. I was pretty abysmal." 

Sweepstake £2 down: Ian P

Lucky escape: Secret Plymouth sous chef Brett (of 'the recipe requires an exact fishcake height of 2.5cm and not a millimetre less' fame) and terrifying PM/bun head April were most awful, but, frankly, all of Team Connexus were lucky to survive - they made a profit of £1.87.

ONE POUND EIGHTY SEVEN.

*dies laughing*

Can I interest you in a salad, Sir?: Sure, us Londoners will pay utterly insane prices for stuff, but £9 for some tuna, boiled egg shavings and a few leaves? Nope. Not even City idiots wanting to get on TV. 

???-watch: So which candidate should be selected for special blog-based observation? It's got to be between Ruth or Mergim, right? 

Vote Ruth: for her drawn-on eyebrows and 'zany' power suit made from material so seventies it was last used to make the kipper-iest of all kipper ties. 

Vote Mergim: for... well, where to start? Slagging off his teammates for not volunteering to be PM, when he himself had not volunteered to be PM? Failing to see the irony in slagging off his teammates for not volunteering to be PM, when he himself had not volunteered to be PM? Trying to sell squid to a vegan restaurant?

Or how about for not being able to recognise a onion?

The onion one!

Sexism-watch: Take your pick, laydeez. Brett, with his modern and progressive view that wimmins wouldn't be able to look upon stinky fish without fainting into their smelling salts. Mergim, for not wanting to be in a team with girls. Or 'I Am Joseph Valente', with Hugh Hefner as his 'business' hero. 

Backstab-watch:

Welsh lady with intricate hair: "We need someone who works in food retail and knows about food. I AM A HAIRDRESSER."

Selina: "I don't know anything about retail, but I've heard of food." 

The entire Versatile team: "YOU ARE PM THEN."

Very important: Selina was NOT a pole dancer, guys. She was a podium dancer, ok?

Best team name: Team Fish Finger. Obvz. It even beats Connexus, "cause if you say it fast it sounds like 'connects us'..." (Honestly, this stuff blogs itself.)

Next time: Just 24 hours later and we're being treated to the ad task already. Regulators ready!