2015 - Week 8

You're fired: David, for starting a party with a monotone health and safety speech. He also only learned to iron last week, so...

Lucky escape: Gary, for spreading rumours about Joseph Valente's nuts.

£££: Two grand for a kid's party?!?!? Max is in for a disappointing childhood.

Apprentice meets Bake Off: Richard would not be getting a Hollywood handshake, that's for sure. And anyone know if Brett's "shock freeze" technique is Mary Berry sanctioned?

Selina's bitchy resting face-watch: 

Selina: "How about a truly clichéd girly-girl girly theme? Pink! Make-up! Pampering! Cupcakes! Handbags! Centuries of gross objectification!"

Party girl: "I'd like a sport theme."

Selina: *cat's bum*

Party bag-gate: I'm just sad this Alan Johnson mask didn't make the cut...

Next week: What could possibly be the best fit for a bunch of incompetent wannabes? Oh yes, they're going to be estate agents.

2015 - Week 7

You're fired: Private Dancer Sam for his inability to use the iPhone calculator function. Though I did enjoy how he rolled his eyes at Sugar's suggestion that maths might be useful in business. 

Lucky escape: Brett somehow managed to "self-preservate".

Irony-watch: Brett announcing that Richard reminded him of David Brent. HAHAHAHAHA! Takes one to know one, eh Brett? I mean, isn't 'a David Brent' is the collective noun for Apprentice candidates?

Smash-watch: Scott thought Brett had threatened to "smash his face in". Lady Brady confirmed didn't say that, he only implied it - so that's fine then. There was one definite smash desire though - Charleine declaring with frenzied relish that smashing Richard was her sales motivation. You could see her strength of feeling in action as she used a nude patent court shoe to hammer something into the wall of their discount outlet. 

Fashion watch: Permission was granted for Joseph Valente to stick his braces over his Discount logo t-shirt and boy was he delighted. I wonder if he added a swoosh of the Impulse body spray they were selling - how very "nineties vintage" to quote a terrifying line our pal Sally once heard.

Next week: Children's party planning and the ominous line "yes I have a nut allergy" from one mum. "Look guys, there's an offer on pistacheo - buy buy buy! Oops! Erm, anyone got an epi-pen?"

2015 - Week 6

You're fired: A triple P45 frenzy! 

You're fired #1: In a shock move, PM Elle wasn't even given the chance to nominate her victims before she was booted out, for failure to lift a paintbrush and excessive Dr Leah lip filler. Oh and GROSS MASSIVE TOTAL INCOMPETENCE. Even by this lot's levels...

You're fired #2: April then got sacked for being a bit snooty, and for thinking an hour of labour for three people should be priced at around the same cost as one tuna salad. 

You're fired #3: And then it was Mergim's turn. Oh Mergim. The Only Way Is Mergim. He made a rousing speech about his refugee background, which did impress. But we must equally remember that during the task he created a large hole in an optician's display wall, tried to "screw in a nail", failed to paint inside the lines of a large rectangle, splattered paint over a sign he wasn't working on, described these massive fuck ups as having "messed up a lickle bit, din I, Lord Sugar?" and then still requested payment from the client. 

Joseph Valente-watch: Apparently "brilliant" according to Elle - well, he did manage to do her PM job as well as all the actual handyman-ing. Also, I've just noticed that he's a latin-named plumber with a tash - so is essentially Super Mario.

What was Selina whining about this week? Being ordered by Brett, the nation's most pedantic man, to scrape used chewing gum from the floor under a million football stands. So for once she has my sympathy. Especially as it turns out they DIDN'T HAVE TO REMOVE THE GUM MY GOD I CAN'T EVEN...

Grand designs: Scott had visions of Kevin McCloud meets Monty Don - promising to entirely relandscape an ex-local authority concrete yard into the gardens of Versailles in less than a day.

Next week: Discount stores in Man-ches-taaaaaaar. 

2015 - Week 5

You're fired: Natalie - for having the sniffles. Oh, and being rubbish at maths, sales and pitching, which some might argue are fairly key Apprentice skills. That I had her in the sweepstake and still shouted at the TV for her sacking speaks volumes. 

Lucky escape: Sam, though with that accent and the words "English Literature degree" on his "rezUmé", it's clear he won't be long for this process. Lord Sugar spat out the term "academic credentials" like it tasted of dog fart.

Literary pretensions #1: Sam talks of filling his children's story with Aristotle and morality. Charleine talks of poo poo and wee wee. 

Literary pretensions #2: Attempts at selling the 'Snottydink' (loves chess, hates rugger) to the first edition booksellers of London. "Limited edition, mate. Right up there with Charlie Dicks and Willy Shakes." "No thank you, please leave now."

Literary pretensions #3: "Bizzie got lost after being tossed." 

"Can I just speak to Daniel pleeeeeeeeeeease?": I don't blame Charleine - I "cleverly" wouldn't want to speak to über-douche Richard either, especially when his advice consists of things like "Just make it sound like the wind is saying it" and he sulks when he's not allowed to single-handedly author the entire book (can you imagine?!!).

Audio-book acting skills: I'll just say it's no surprise to me that Selina can fake-cry on demand.

Was that comic sans? I can't even...

Next week: Handyman wars and what looks like a Mergim v Joseph Valente DIY face-off!