The final (first posted 18 July 2013)

YOU’RE HIRED: Dr Leah and her immovable beauty pageant face – frozen at 24 by the delights of dermal filler. Turns out Lordsiralun is quite happy to cope with the ambiguous ethics of getting people to inject barely regulated substances into their cheeks, as the profit margins are way bigger than edible sprinkles.

Boooooooooooo: Luisa babes, my sweepstakee, you and I woz robbed.  Probably because your pitch didn’t feature Francesca in a Primarni cropped top and Shoreditch Boxpark leggings performing a rhythmic gymnastics routine.

Market research: It could have been me!  I work just round the corner from where Myles and Fran were politely asking people if they wanted to have their disgusting blotchy decrepit faces treated by a company called 'I’m.Going.To.Slice.Your.Face.Open'.

Eyebrows-watch: Alex was back, bitches!  But, oddly, wearing glasses to obscure the brows.  Still, good to see him and Uzma on the ‘let’s promote plastic surgery’ task.  Examples to us all.

Next week: That's it!  We are DONE.

I'll let the Committee of Advertising Practice have the last word.

Week 12 (first posted 11 July 2013)

The final cull, as Lordsiralun picked his two finalists. Jordan was out for failing to solve a Rubik's cube in under three minutes.  Neil was fired (“with regret”) for wanting to turn us into a nation of estate agents.  And Fran just missed out on the final because, in the end, Lordsiralun decided we'd all rather buy cupcakes galore and sort out the ensuing lardy effects with cosmetic surgery than by keeping fit through the medium of dance.

Interviews: it was little Jordan who suffered the most crushing humiliation from Evil Claude, after attempting a failed Dragons Den-style equity negotiation on business that wasn’t even his to barter: “You are a parasite and NOW YOU HAVE BEEN TERMINATED”.  Neckbeard's approach was the more successful ‘ignore and bore’. Even Margaret's eyebrows withered at the interminable sound of Neil's self-confident auto-drone.

The key to success in business according to Leah: “PICK ME I HAVE THE BIGGEST HAIR!”

Next week: You're hired! Luisa's cake-mix takes on Dr Leah's dermal filler. But will Lordsiralun opt for the Great British Bake Off or become a fully fledged member of BAAPS?

Week 11

More holibobbing. It's a tough life.

Week 10 (first posted 4 July 2013)

Ryanair to Monte Carlo for Myles, back to his job photocopying glossy booklets about knock off luxury goods. Jordan and his kikoi (“IT'S NOT A SARONG!”) were lucky to survive – especially after he wet-heave-burp-coughed all over the boardroom desk.  Awful.

Smell what sells: Woolly (*cough* polyester *cough*) hats - even in a shipping container named 'East Side Fashions'.  No word of a lie, there used to be a hat shop on the Walworth Rd called RimWorld.  Now, that's a good shop name for a hat shop.

High risk product of the week:  The ugly and ridiculous Zsa Zsa vase.  Hello madam, can I interest you in a pile of ceramic brain tubes, for a mere £199?  Jordan was adamant it would look really cool on all our desks, but I’m not sure it would survive a tidy day in my workplace - judging by my contraband Bran Flakes that our Facilities Manager threatened to banish to the kitchen.

Eyebrows-watch: it's sad we didn't get to see Kapow Brows observing the Fair Isle onsies and ironic moustaches of Shoreditch BoxPark. It would have BLOWN HIS MIND.

Next week: Interviews!!! Evil Claude is sharpening his vicious tongue - and Margaret her eyebrows - as we speak.

Weeks 8 and 9

Cadprentice was on holiday

Week 7 (first posted 13 June 2013)

Double whammy! Time to purge the nondescript quiet ones who hover in the backroom, failing to demonstrate either business talent or shameless TV mugging.  Kurt's error was to fall in love with a retro caravan, whilst Natalie did nothing.  Again.

 

We all heart Jason: OAP-flirtin’ his way to a mighty caravan sale!  Lordsiralun was so impressed he got Frances to call Jason back in to the boardroom to congratulate him. Jason's response: a series of bows whilst shuffling backwards. But it gave him the confidence back home to brandish a glass of red and declare himself one of the best.  Take that, Neck Beard!

 

Feminism: when the chips are down and your suave right hand man Myles hasn't sold any funky, super kool retro caravans to the Hoxton hero target market of 'caravan convention attendees', well… There's only one option left for Kurt: “Bring one of the girls over.  We need some eye candy.”  Yes, that happened. 

 

And, on a completely unrelated matter, here’s what Lord Sugar had to say on the matter of sales technique.

 

YEAH!  GIRL POWER!

 

Eyebrows-watch: mistaking a mobility scooter for a bike, a live QVC audition, actually selling the giant washing up bowl they were marketing as a 'boat box', and calling his punters “old, old, old, old, old”. Alex claims to be 22, but that face already looks botoxed to a terrifying level, so perhaps he was speaking from experience.

 

Next week: the ad task. For a dating website. What could possibly go wrong?

Week 6 (first posted 6 June 2013)

Well, no time for Rebecca to reveal what she had hidden in her beehive before she was fired for being less gobby than Francesca and Luisa – or possibly wearing less slap.  Leah was lucky that Neil was there to save her team £600 (£600??!!!!??!!!!??) by having him talk to a bunch of bankers about the inspiration behind his neck beard.

Conflict resolution: mediation is for losers. Let's all dress up in sumo-gear and wrestle it out.

Improving communication skills: Lordsiralun might have dissed the cupcake seminar, but I recently went truffle making for 'team bonding' purposes in January and it was EXCELLENT, because we got to eat CHOCOLATE.

Eyebrows-watch: ripe for the waxing during the beauty therapy treat. Alex also took to the domineering Colonel role-playing just that little bit too comfortably, no?

Guest blogger Jude notes: “Bodwatch on Apprentice last night was off the scale - Jordan's first exposure set the tone with Myles ending the programme by breaking my heart (with his giant guns).”  Well, quite.

Next week: Myles' disdain for caravans and all who ride in them.

Week 5 (first posted 29 May 2013)

Well, they did their best to up the tension in the boardroom, but it was clear as soon as he boomed “LOCAL KNOWLEDGE” that Zeeshaan was for the chop - sealing his fate when he chose his boardroom co-victims purely on the basis that they didn't have Kurt's twelve centimetres.  When even Lordsiralun thinks you might be a little bit sexist... well, that means YOU ARE.  Though I’d have also fired him for slicking back his hair, the seventies-style open shirt/jacket combo and (sin of all sins) wearing sunglasses indoors.  This is not the last we’ve seen of Zee, apparently.  He says he’s not sure why his name will go down in history, but it will.  Let us not underestimate the man who was Phones 4 U's Bullshitter Of The Month - before they sacked him.

 

Best Englishman abroad: Nick in a panama, extolling the virtues of “the land of the camel, the sand dune and the Burj Al Arab” versus Jason, putting on an indeterminate foreign accent to ease communication with the locals.

 

Luisa's shameless camera-mugging of the week: holding a faded rag to her enhanced bosoms and claiming it was a bikini.

 

Eyebrows-watch: “Fresh viagra? I don't need any of that. I'm from Wales.”

 

Next week: Corporate Awaydays. Bootcamp sumo wrestling in the name of increasing turnover. How could it possibly fail?

Week 4 (first posted 23 May 2013)

Ciao Uzma! Gone before we solved the mystery of her face.  Sure she was pretty awful, but I'll miss her confused trout pout and unfortunate peach lipstick. Uzma’s main skills seemed to be walking in stilt-level platforms, flicking her hair extensions and sniping.  But here's hoping her 'look good' business will flourish – I hear her foundation comes with a free trowel.

Business pun name of the week: Buffalocal, London’s finest buffalo meat and bland soup shop.  Despite Luisa’s desire to “dress the shop” with six sweet corns, Myles decided to steamroller her instructions and buy a trolley full of veg.  (Nothing says ‘decor’ like a turnip.)  That Myles also showed far and away the most promise of the lot by suggesting dried-up baked potatoes filled with cheddar shavings and tuna mush were probably not prime front of house material...  Well, it tells you all you need to know about this year’s breed.

I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!!! Delicious organic farmhouse smoothies. Made of Apple Just Juice from Costcutter.

Eyebrows-watch: Despite his spontaneous willingness to dress up as scarecrow, Welsh Alex was unable to recognise some carrots. He did have a more successful turn as a hands-on milkmaid model though.

Next week: the 'mysterious objects you're not allowed to Google' task. In Dubai.  Cue an hour of ‘IF THE LOCALS DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU THE FIRST TIME JUST SAY IT AGAIN LOUDER’.

Week 3 (first posted 16 May 2013)

Bye bye Sophie. You couldn't design, create, sell or pitch, but you did write an essay on market research once – the one feature of the Apprentice design task which is routinely ignored in favour of whatever the largest egos wanted to make in the first place.  Cue a packing crate on wheels and a table come uncomfortable Medieval-style execution chair for the tall.

Ridiculous fancy design office of the week: the more pretentious the company, the smaller the door? I'm not sure literally crawling into work is quite what the Health and Safety Executive have in mind, but all of Shoreditch is probably competing to have the smallest entrance.  Posh Jason particularly struggled to manoeuvre through the hobbit gate, as, unlike Jordan, he is “average-sized”.

Qualifications of the week: Uzma: “I done a fashion.” (Oopsie! Don't worry dear, am sure someone can help clean it up.)  Also, seriously - what is up with her face?  Even Lord Sugar openly scoffed when she claimed to be “in the business of looking good”.

Disappointment of the week: Zeeshaan didn't get a salesgasm. Whatever Neil might have promised him.

Next week: city farm shop. Alex Eyebrows appeared to be running after farm animals in way that won't be helping debunk certain Welsh stereotypes...

Week 2 (first posted 9 May 2013)

“Puppy Tim is still in trouble” - so texted my colleague Rob at 21.55, who has him in the work sweepstake. Rob’s following text (at 22.00) was an eloquent “SHIT”, which I think sums it up neatly. Say farewell to your £1, Rob. Back in the Boardroom, Rebecca had already taken on all of the girls and their attempt at launching a mass stiletto attack, so nice Tim, with his bobbing-headed over-enthusiasm, was an easy target for La Beehive. Elsewhere, Posh Alex was lucky the boys won, as “the other candidates were SWEARING and LYING in the name of making money, Lord Sugar, and that is an AFFRONT to your HONOUR” is unlikely to be a successful Boardroom defence.

Best job title: Francesca MacDuff-Varley is a ‘Dance and Entertainment Entrepreneur’. I don’t want to cast aspersions, but if you were trying to dress up ‘pole-dancer’ in CV speak...

Business fashion (for him): Alex... he's special, isn't he? When relaxing in sunny Belgium, the discerning business Welshman will always sport a black polo neck under a grey double breasted blazer, with a camel coat casually draped over the shoulders, and - important - eyebrows like this: \ /

Business fashion (for her): It's 7am, time for Luisa to answer the phone in pink polka dot, boob tube pyjamas. Seriously, BOOB TUBE PYJAMAS. Is that an actual thing?

Disappointment of the week: No-one got as drunk as Adam Corbally did on last year's wine task. Poor show. The closest we got was Luisa “talking to boys”, much to Sophie’s bitterness. Mind you, we didn’t see much of Nick Hewer, did we? It’s easy to disguise a hangover in the Boardroom if your trademark personality is already ‘highly grumpy’.

Next week: the product design task. Flåt päck fürnitüre. Lët disåstër ënsüe!

Week 1 (first posted 8 May 2013)

Whoop! Go team! Come on! Energy! All we need is an approach to motivational speaking honed in primary school assemblies and no discernible business plan! Poor Jaz. I quite liked her – mainly for not having the whole of Superdrug smeared across her face. AND she was doing it for the children. Well, to maximise profit out of the children, but still. Everyone wave her goodbye with your 'Jaz hands'. (Yes, I went there.)

As for the rest of the candidates, well no change there. Hello ‘delusion’, meet ‘incompetence’. Eyebrows continue to be a key fashion trend for the aspiring businessperson, as do clip-on hair extensions - the bigger and more acrylic the better.

Most Excruciating Moment: I did enjoy domineering Neil leaving high-five-wannabe Zeeshaan hanging (“High five?!”,“Really?”), but it was Tim 'high vis jackets' Stillwell who caused me to gnaw my hand off in embarrassed disbelief, as he interrupted Sirlordalun, post win, to let him know he'd definitely learned from the experience and was taking the criticism on board and would certainly apply the things he'd learned and would definitely do better next time and PLEASE STOP TALKING OH MY GOD. Even Welsh Alex's diagonal eyebrows went up in surprise – turns out they aren’t so firmly Vaselined in place.

Chancer of the week: the comedy foreign accent guy who promised he'd buy all the leather jackets if he got to kiss the ladeez, but had no authority whatsoever to do so and still got the kisses.

Tomorrow: Fruity beers. Bring on the lab coats! And cue boardroom arguments over who should stay because they absolutely peeled the most lychees.

Shameless self-promo ahoy - welcome to my Apprentice mini blog

For reasons shrouded in great mystery, Lord Sugar started following me on Twitter today. He follows me AS WE SPEAK, though it's likely to be a brief social-media-based love fest once he realises just how much gubbins I like to spout about Strictly Come Dancing.

ANYWAY, earlier this year, I ran an Apprentice sweepstake at work, and to accompany it I done an Apprentice blog, much like Uzma done a fashion.  It was officially written to keep my sweepstakers up to date on the important gambling situation, but obviously the reality was that I blogged out of total self-importance and a need to express mildly bitchy things about the... hmmm, what is the collective noun for Apprentice candidates?  The incompetence of Apprentice candidates?  The ego?  The $$$intheireyes?  (Etc etc.)

Whatever - up until now, it's been festering on Facebook, but it's time to GO PUBLIC.  So, here's the blog, retrospectively.  Start the dramatic music, PLEASE!  Dum dee dum dee dum dee dum dee...